Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Yo Mama

Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.

Yo momma is so dumb she threw a stone at the ground and missed.

Yo momma is so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds.

Yo momma is so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo momma is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hard and Soft

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

The Smiths

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Blow J

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow-job?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow-job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Monday, December 14, 2009

Milk Shake Translation

Original:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
and they’re like, “It’s better than yours”
Damn right, it’s better than yours
I could teach you, but I’d have to charge

Old English:
Mine milkshake bringeth all yon gentlefolk to mine yard
and lo they reply ” ‘Tis better than thine…
“Verily, ’tis better than thine!”
I could apprentice thee, but I wouldst levy a fee

Literal:
My whipped iced dairy drink brings the attentions of many males to my place of residence and/or employment,
and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours.
Absolutely, it far surpasses yours.
I could convey to you the proverbial recipe, but I would have to demand compensation.

Limerick:
Through stereophonic tubes
Comes a girl rapping mixes and grooves
and though you would think
Her topic was iced drink
It’s really all about her boobs

Haiku:
Boys, drawn to my yard
Their words in chorus singing
Your milkshake loses

Damn Church

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "25 Years ago when you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and s*** your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

Cold Water

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

God and Man

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

Friday, December 11, 2009

Where's God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous.

They are always

getting into trouble and their parents know all

about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are

probably involved.


The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had

been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak

with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them

individually.


So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the

morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.



The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the

younger boy down and asked him sternly,


"Do you know where God is, son?"


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,

sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.


So the preacher repeated the question in an even

sterner tone, "Where is God?!"


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher

raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and

bellowed,


"Where is God?!"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran

directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.


When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what

happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We

are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Read Lips

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)

Coffee Break

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,


*** Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


*** Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.


*** Horologic-ally, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.


*** Meteorologic-ally, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


*** Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tragedy

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Religious

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1897, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Phillips)

Genie In The Bottle

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Monday, December 7, 2009

Orange Head

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire... what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend. 'The genie went Poof', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with. 'The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'... and I think this is where I went wrong... I said, I'd like a huge orange head."

Alligator

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Jesus Vs Saint Peter

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a Lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Obama Vs Little Girl

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.

"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?"

The Voice

Paul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Paul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Paul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Paul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Paul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Paul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Paul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Paul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Paul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Paul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Paul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

Pilot

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blow-job." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Empty Seat

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Top 17 Country-Western Songs for 2010

The Top 17 Country-Western Songs for 2010


17. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine.

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number #1 country song is.

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Small World

Two men are golfing and they are getting frustrated because the two women playing on the hole in front of them are taking way too long.


Finally, one of the men says, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to go up there and ask them if we could play through.”


The man walks toward the ladies, but halfway there, he stops, looks and turns around and walks back to his friend.


“I can’t go up there,” he says, “That’s my wife and my mistress playing together.”


The second man says, “OK, I’ll go.”


The man walks toward the women, but turns around halfway there, walks back to his friend and says, “Ummm..small world, isn’t it?”

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!, This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

High School Couple

A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.

One day she announced, "Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally "DO IT."

Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist asked him, "Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack." Johnny responded, "You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack."

Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.

Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."

Johnny turned and replied, "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it!

If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Snake

Two snakes are talking.

One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"

The other replays, "Yes, why?..."

"I just bit me lip."

Monday, November 30, 2009

Dumb Blond

A dumb blond was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blond looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blond, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Horrible Death

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Sunday, November 29, 2009

51 Days

Two blonds walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!" About five minutes later, another blond walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blond walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blonds and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blond says, "everyone thinks blonds are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thank Goodness

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Geography of Women

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.


Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.


Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!


Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.


Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.


Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.


Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.


After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Money and Health

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Two Words

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Farmer

A farmer and his new bride are riding home from their wedding in their horse drawn buggy, On the way , the horse stumbles. The farmer quietly mutters, "that's once". As they ride on the horse stumbles again and the farmer says, "that's twice". And further down the road the horse stumbles again. This time, the farmer gets out of the wagon , goes over to the horse and shoots it dead. When he returns to the wagon, his now hysterical wife says "are you crazy, why did you do that, you must be out of your mind" The farmer replies, "that's once".

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Raisins

There was a little boy that always brought his teacher raisins. Well one day he quit. The teacher thought he was mad at her so the teacher asked, "Are you mad at me? Is that why you stopped bringing me raisins?"



The boy said, "No ma'am I'm not mad. My rabbit died."

Joe The Head of Security

So this guy's eating some eggs for breakfast at a restaurant of a Native American casino and he notices a (Native American) security man watching him intently. The man calls over the manager and asks "Who is that guy watching me eat?"



"Oh, that's just Joe, the head of security. He has such an excellent memory that we don't need to buy a security camera."



As the man is checking out of the hotel, he runs into Joe the security guy. Deciding to see how good Joe's memory actually was, the man asked him "What did I eat for breakfast?"



Joe thinks for a moment and replies monotonously, "Hmm. Eggs."



Well, that was what he ate, so the satisfied man checks out of the hotel and goes back to his job.



Five years later, the man is back at the casino and he recognizes Joe standing in the corner with a watchful eye. The man (not feeling particularly politically correct) walks up to Joe, gives a greeting salute and says "How."



Joe looks sternly at the man for a while, then says "Hmm. Scrambled."

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Memory Therapy

Two couples, both in their 70's were chatting. One man said to the other "Hey, Bob, how did that memory therapy you took work out?"

Bob said "Oh, it was great. They taught us all kinds of things, like using similar words to help us remember things. Overall, my memory has really improved."

The first man says "That sounds great. I should go there. Where is it?"

Bob replies "Oh, now just a second...I can't think of the name of the street...just give me a second. What do you call that flower, it's usually red, with thorns on it?"

His friend said "A rose?"

Bob said "That's it!" and turned to his wife and asked "Rose, what was the street that the memory clinic was on?"

Friday, November 20, 2009

Deaf Genie

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?"

Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?"

Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie.

He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

Sticky Fur

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, squatting next to each other taking a shit. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks,"Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "Why no, I never have that problem"

Bear says, "Good", picks up the rabbit, wipes his ass with him, and walks away.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Birthday Suit

An elderly man comes home from work one day and as he walks in the house, he sees his wife, naked on the couch. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "I put on my birthday suit for you. I was thinking we could have some fun." She responds. "Ok, I'll go get ready and you go iron that damn thing."

Absolutely Terrible

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible

language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was

going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over

the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100

yards."



"Is that when you swore?"



"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes

and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.



"Well, no." says the nun.



"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,

grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew

near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."



"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.



"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled

onto the green, about six inches from the hole."



The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and

asked, "You missed the phucking putt, didn't you?"

Little Johny

Little Johnie is the only black 4th grader at an all white school. Little Johnie comes home and asks his dad. "Dad we had gym class for the first time, and after gym we all had to shower. Dad is the reason all the white boy's penises are so much smaller than mine because I am black." To which his dad replied. "Well partially little Johnie, but mostly it is because you are 16."

Horrible Childhood

I had a horrible childhood. You know my father was a black jack dealer in Vegas, that's why he used to hit me till I was 17.

Don't Look Down

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.



Q - They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

A- Don't Look Down!

Monday, November 16, 2009

SECRET

Cowboy walks into the bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay Bar.

What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'

The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.'

The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?'

The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!'

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'... And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

$12 Billion Dollars Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

One Wish

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Friday, November 13, 2009

Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Too Late

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

Telling Everybody!

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"

Ethical

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Now what, my little man?

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

$40,000 Dollars Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Monday, November 9, 2009

New Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father,
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks,
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says,
"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Saturday, November 7, 2009

What Happened ?

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Drunk Man

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What The Hell !!!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

Dumbest Kid !!!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bet With Blond

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Monday, November 2, 2009

He's In Too Far

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. “If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked. “Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. “Go and get help!” he cried. “But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!” “Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.” Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…​​​ he’s in too far!”

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Welcome to Haha Joke

Q. What does it mean when a drummer drools out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is even.

Q. A man shaves at least 3 times a week, yet he still has the longest beard in town, how is that possible?
A. He's a Barber.

Q. How do you keep someone in suspense?
A. Oh, I'll tell you tomorrow!

Q. Why did the kids all eat their homework?
A. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q. What kind of cheese isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A. "Damn!"

Q. Why did a kid throw a clock out the window?
A. To see time fly.

Q. What did the picture say to the other picture?
A. I heard you got framed.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the butter?
A. Don't worry you will only spread it.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

Q. Why did the boy throw his toast out the window?
A. He wanted to see the butter fly

Q. What did one eye say to the other?
A. "Between you and me, something smells!" (your nose)


Q: What goes white, black, white, black, white, black, thud?
A: a nun falling down the stairs.

Q: How many moves do you have to do to put an elephant in a fridge?
A: Three! Open the door, put the elephant in the fridge and close the door.

Q:How many moves do you have to do to put a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Four! Open the door, take the elephant out of the fridge, put the giraffe in the fridge and close the door.

Q:There's a huge fire in the jungle. Which animal will survive?
A: The giraffe, because it's in the fridge!
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