Friday, April 30, 2010

Short but Spicy

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain! (Jennifer Childs)


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.


If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.


What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.


Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!


How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.


How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.


What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.


How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.


What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.


What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.


Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.


Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.


Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.


Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.


Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.


Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.


Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.


Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.


Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.


Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.


Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.


Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.


Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Nice Bike

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Do You Know What I'm Doing?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
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