Dumb Blond

A dumb blond was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blond looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blond, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Horrible Death

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

51 Days

Two blonds walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!" About five minutes later, another blond walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blond walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blonds and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blond says, "everyone thinks blonds are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

Thank Goodness

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Geography of Women

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.


Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.


Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!


Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.


Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.


Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.


Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.


After 70, they become Siberia.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

Money and Health

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

Two Words

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Farmer

A farmer and his new bride are riding home from their wedding in their horse drawn buggy, On the way , the horse stumbles. The farmer quietly mutters, "that's once". As they ride on the horse stumbles again and the farmer says, "that's twice". And further down the road the horse stumbles again. This time, the farmer gets out of the wagon , goes over to the horse and shoots it dead. When he returns to the wagon, his now hysterical wife says "are you crazy, why did you do that, you must be out of your mind" The farmer replies, "that's once".

Raisins

There was a little boy that always brought his teacher raisins. Well one day he quit. The teacher thought he was mad at her so the teacher asked, "Are you mad at me? Is that why you stopped bringing me raisins?"



The boy said, "No ma'am I'm not mad. My rabbit died."

Joe The Head of Security

So this guy's eating some eggs for breakfast at a restaurant of a Native American casino and he notices a (Native American) security man watching him intently. The man calls over the manager and asks "Who is that guy watching me eat?"



"Oh, that's just Joe, the head of security. He has such an excellent memory that we don't need to buy a security camera."



As the man is checking out of the hotel, he runs into Joe the security guy. Deciding to see how good Joe's memory actually was, the man asked him "What did I eat for breakfast?"



Joe thinks for a moment and replies monotonously, "Hmm. Eggs."



Well, that was what he ate, so the satisfied man checks out of the hotel and goes back to his job.



Five years later, the man is back at the casino and he recognizes Joe standing in the corner with a watchful eye. The man (not feeling particularly politically correct) walks up to Joe, gives a greeting salute and says "How."



Joe looks sternly at the man for a while, then says "Hmm. Scrambled."

Memory Therapy

Two couples, both in their 70's were chatting. One man said to the other "Hey, Bob, how did that memory therapy you took work out?"

Bob said "Oh, it was great. They taught us all kinds of things, like using similar words to help us remember things. Overall, my memory has really improved."

The first man says "That sounds great. I should go there. Where is it?"

Bob replies "Oh, now just a second...I can't think of the name of the street...just give me a second. What do you call that flower, it's usually red, with thorns on it?"

His friend said "A rose?"

Bob said "That's it!" and turned to his wife and asked "Rose, what was the street that the memory clinic was on?"

Deaf Genie

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?"

Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?"

Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie.

He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

Sticky Fur

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, squatting next to each other taking a shit. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks,"Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "Why no, I never have that problem"

Bear says, "Good", picks up the rabbit, wipes his ass with him, and walks away.

Birthday Suit

An elderly man comes home from work one day and as he walks in the house, he sees his wife, naked on the couch. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "I put on my birthday suit for you. I was thinking we could have some fun." She responds. "Ok, I'll go get ready and you go iron that damn thing."

Absolutely Terrible

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible

language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was

going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over

the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100

yards."



"Is that when you swore?"



"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes

and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.



"Well, no." says the nun.



"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,

grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew

near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."



"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.



"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled

onto the green, about six inches from the hole."



The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and

asked, "You missed the phucking putt, didn't you?"

Little Johny

Little Johnie is the only black 4th grader at an all white school. Little Johnie comes home and asks his dad. "Dad we had gym class for the first time, and after gym we all had to shower. Dad is the reason all the white boy's penises are so much smaller than mine because I am black." To which his dad replied. "Well partially little Johnie, but mostly it is because you are 16."

Horrible Childhood

I had a horrible childhood. You know my father was a black jack dealer in Vegas, that's why he used to hit me till I was 17.

Don't Look Down

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.



Q - They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

A- Don't Look Down!

SECRET

Cowboy walks into the bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay Bar.

What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'

The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.'

The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?'

The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!'

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'... And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!

$12 Billion Dollars Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

One Wish

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Too Late

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

Telling Everybody!

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"

Ethical

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)

Now what, my little man?

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

$40,000 Dollars Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

New Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father,
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks,
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says,
"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

What Happened ?

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

The Drunk Man

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

What The Hell !!!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

Dumbest Kid !!!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Bet With Blond

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

He's In Too Far

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. “If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked. “Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. “Go and get help!” he cried. “But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!” “Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.” Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…​​​ he’s in too far!”

Welcome to Haha Joke

Q. What does it mean when a drummer drools out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is even.

Q. A man shaves at least 3 times a week, yet he still has the longest beard in town, how is that possible?
A. He's a Barber.

Q. How do you keep someone in suspense?
A. Oh, I'll tell you tomorrow!

Q. Why did the kids all eat their homework?
A. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q. What kind of cheese isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A. "Damn!"

Q. Why did a kid throw a clock out the window?
A. To see time fly.

Q. What did the picture say to the other picture?
A. I heard you got framed.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the butter?
A. Don't worry you will only spread it.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

Q. Why did the boy throw his toast out the window?
A. He wanted to see the butter fly

Q. What did one eye say to the other?
A. "Between you and me, something smells!" (your nose)


Q: What goes white, black, white, black, white, black, thud?
A: a nun falling down the stairs.

Q: How many moves do you have to do to put an elephant in a fridge?
A: Three! Open the door, put the elephant in the fridge and close the door.

Q:How many moves do you have to do to put a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Four! Open the door, take the elephant out of the fridge, put the giraffe in the fridge and close the door.

Q:There's a huge fire in the jungle. Which animal will survive?
A: The giraffe, because it's in the fridge!