Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Yo Mama

Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.

Yo momma is so dumb she threw a stone at the ground and missed.

Yo momma is so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds.

Yo momma is so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo momma is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hard and Soft

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

The Smiths

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Blow J

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow-job?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow-job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Monday, December 14, 2009

Milk Shake Translation

Original:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
and they’re like, “It’s better than yours”
Damn right, it’s better than yours
I could teach you, but I’d have to charge

Old English:
Mine milkshake bringeth all yon gentlefolk to mine yard
and lo they reply ” ‘Tis better than thine…
“Verily, ’tis better than thine!”
I could apprentice thee, but I wouldst levy a fee

Literal:
My whipped iced dairy drink brings the attentions of many males to my place of residence and/or employment,
and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours.
Absolutely, it far surpasses yours.
I could convey to you the proverbial recipe, but I would have to demand compensation.

Limerick:
Through stereophonic tubes
Comes a girl rapping mixes and grooves
and though you would think
Her topic was iced drink
It’s really all about her boobs

Haiku:
Boys, drawn to my yard
Their words in chorus singing
Your milkshake loses

Damn Church

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There IS no damn problem!,” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "25 Years ago when you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and s*** your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

Cold Water

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

God and Man

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

Friday, December 11, 2009

Where's God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous.

They are always

getting into trouble and their parents know all

about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are

probably involved.


The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had

been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak

with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them

individually.


So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the

morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.



The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the

younger boy down and asked him sternly,


"Do you know where God is, son?"


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,

sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.


So the preacher repeated the question in an even

sterner tone, "Where is God?!"


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher

raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and

bellowed,


"Where is God?!"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran

directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.


When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what

happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We

are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Read Lips

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)

Coffee Break

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,


*** Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


*** Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.


*** Horologic-ally, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.


*** Meteorologic-ally, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


*** Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tragedy

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Religious

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1897, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Phillips)

Genie In The Bottle

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Monday, December 7, 2009

Orange Head

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire... what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend. 'The genie went Poof', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with. 'The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'... and I think this is where I went wrong... I said, I'd like a huge orange head."

Alligator

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Jesus Vs Saint Peter

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a Lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Obama Vs Little Girl

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.

"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?"

The Voice

Paul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Paul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Paul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Paul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Paul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Paul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Paul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Paul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Paul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Paul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Paul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

Pilot

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blow-job." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Empty Seat

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Top 17 Country-Western Songs for 2010

The Top 17 Country-Western Songs for 2010


17. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine.

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number #1 country song is.

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Small World

Two men are golfing and they are getting frustrated because the two women playing on the hole in front of them are taking way too long.


Finally, one of the men says, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to go up there and ask them if we could play through.”


The man walks toward the ladies, but halfway there, he stops, looks and turns around and walks back to his friend.


“I can’t go up there,” he says, “That’s my wife and my mistress playing together.”


The second man says, “OK, I’ll go.”


The man walks toward the women, but turns around halfway there, walks back to his friend and says, “Ummm..small world, isn’t it?”

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!, This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

High School Couple

A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.

One day she announced, "Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally "DO IT."

Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist asked him, "Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack." Johnny responded, "You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack."

Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.

Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."

Johnny turned and replied, "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it!

If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Snake

Two snakes are talking.

One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"

The other replays, "Yes, why?..."

"I just bit me lip."
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