You must keep in shape.
My grandmother started walking five kilometers when she was 60 and now she's 97, and we don't have a clue where she is!
A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.
Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?"
To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."
A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.
Dr i can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still i can't take it any more.
Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.
Dr what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well!
Oh very well , now about your hearing...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Donkey In The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Religious Boy
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Friday, April 30, 2010
Short but Spicy
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain! (Jennifer Childs)
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
So oxygen can get to their brain! (Jennifer Childs)
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Nice Bike
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Do You Know What I'm Doing?
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
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